Girl, you’re not exhausted because your husband isn’t stepping up the way you need him to.
I know that’s what you think it is. I know that’s what it feels like. I know that’s what it looks like on the surface, but that’s not actually what’s draining you the most.
You’re exhausted because you’re quite literally carrying him.
You’re thinking about him all the time. What he’s doing, what he’s not doing, how he’s feeling, what you’re getting from him, what you’re not getting from him. Your energy is constantly orbiting him and the relationship.
You’re adjusting yourself to him without even realizing it.
And you probably think you’re being caring.
That’s what I thought.
I thought I was being a good partner. I thought I was invested. I thought I was the one holding everything together.
But honestly, I was being controlling.
Not in an obvious way.
It looked like worrying and helping.
It looked like me constantly paying attention to him instead of actually being my own person in my own life.
And that’s the part most women don’t see.
Because you say you want him to lead, you say you want him to step up…
…but you still want him to do it your way.
And when he doesn’t, you either get anxious, frustrated or you just take the hell over.
So now you’re doing everything, and at the same time resenting him for not doing more.
It’s exhausting. It makes you feel crazy. It makes your blood boil.
I know because I lived it.
And it took me way longer than I’d like to admit to realize it wasn’t just that my husband was the problem.
It was the way I was showing up in the relationship.
It didn't start here.
I didn’t just all of a sudden become this way when my first husband started dropping the ball.
My dysfunctional patterns started way before that.
I’m an eldest daughter and grew up in a family where things weren’t stable, they were chaotic and often volatile. My dad struggled with addiction. There was gambling, drinking, money disappearing, abuse, tension that you could feel without anyone saying anything out loud. My mom was emotionally unavailable, passive and never protected us.
So I learned really early how to read a room. How to protect myself and others.
I knew when something was off. I knew how to adjust. I knew how to compensate. I knew how to stay quiet or step in depending on what was needed.
And at some point, that just becomes who you are.
You don’t think of it as a survival pattern. You just think, “this is how I am."
Where I learned to stay two steps ahead of everything.
Where hyper-independence solidified as my safety.
Then my mom left him and rebuilt her life. She chose a series of equally harmful men that she handed the control to. That meant more abuse, neglect and chaos.
She worked really hard to provide for us. We went from food stamps to her climbing the corporate ladder over the course of six years.
And the message I got was:
Don’t rely on a man.
Have your own money.
Stay in control.
Men are not actually safe.
So I did.
I started working when I was 15 years old and lived on my own at age 17.
Having my own money meant I had choices and it helped me stay out of the house as much as possible.
The independence felt empowering, made me feel safe.
Where over-functioning started feeling like success and that I was loved.
I was a first generation college graduate.
It was a huge deal to my mother and grandparents and felt like one of the only times in my life they were outwardly proud of me.
I worked hard. I achieved. I figured things out. I built a life where I didn’t have to depend on anyone for anything.
And in that, I finally got the recognition and praise from my mom and family I had been desperate for as a little girl.
For a long time, that felt so good.
But what I didn’t realize is that I never turned it the hell off.
I just brought it into my relationships.
All of them, not just romantic.
Paying attention to everything. Trying to keep things “good.” Trying to prevent problems before they even happened.
And I thought that meant I cared more. That I was being loving.
I thought holding it all together was what I was supposed to do.
I didn’t know how to be in a relationship without being in charge of it.
Where it broke
My first marriage is where this really caught up to me.
On the surface, choosing him made so much sense.
He felt safe, calm, and easygoing.
Very different from what I grew up around.
He came from a “good” family. He was getting a degree.
I knew he was a safe and stable choice.
At the time, I thought that was exactly what I needed.
So proud I was marrying the “stable” guy.
But what I didn’t see then was that I chose someone who would let me be in charge the way I liked.
And, oh girl, I did.
I led the conversations. The decisions. The emotional tone of the relationship. I was always thinking ahead, always trying to make things better, always trying to keep us on track. Taking care of him.
I thought I was being a good wife.
I thought I was doing what it took to make a relationship great.
But, I didn't know how to just be his wife and let him be my husband.
I was hovering. Micromanaging. Overthinking everything. Constantly trying to get ahead of problems, constantly trying to shape things into what I thought they should be. Looking back, I know I was very controlling.
And at the same time, resentment was building and bubbling under the surface all the time.
Because I wanted him to step up more, start leading, and be more decisive…
…but I wasn’t actually giving him space to, and at that point, he didn't know how.
After I had our daughter, things really got worse. I was overwhelmed and had postpartum anxiety. He was overwhelmed with finishing his dissertation. Things continued to get tenser and we both felt a lot of resentment.
I always felt like it would get better if he would just be less passive, but we never found resolution.
Eventually, he had an affair and left me.
He left me for a softer woman.
They are still married and from afar, I've seen him step up and lead their family.
And as painful as that was, it forced me to look at something I had avoided for a long time.
His choices were his.
But the dysfunctional dynamic we had…
I was a huge part of that.
I did a lot of healing work, therapy and self reflection.
i thought i fixed it
When I met my now husband, it felt different.
There was a real connection. Real friendship. Real love.
And in the beginning, I was soft with him.
He led. I relaxed. I felt taken care of in a way I hadn’t experienced before.
We had chemistry and polarity.
I remember thinking, “okay… this is it. I’ve figured it out.”
I thought I had finally figured it out.
but life hit
We moved to a new city with no support system. I was getting my practice and coaching business going.
The pandemic hit and he unexpectedly lost his job.
The stress, pressure, and financial responsibility weighed heavy on my shoulders.
And without even realizing it, I went right back to what I knew.
I took over.
He felt so ashamed about losing his job that he pulled back.
And there I was…again.
Me carrying everything.
Making all the big decisions alone.
My hubby stepping back.
Both of us frustrated.
Different man.
Same dynamic.
We went on that way for years, even after he got a great paying job.
We didn’t know how to get out of it, we were stuck.
My health started deteriorating from over-working, over-giving and so much bottled up rage.
I felt so uncared for and unloved, even though I knew he loved me.
I was carrying so much resentment and bitterness.
My body was screaming for something to change.
It got to a point where it seemed like the only way to see change was divorce, so I asked for one.
This is where he made his first microshift and advocated for a separation instead of a divorce.
We separated for a short period of time.
Getting separated really rocked my world, “how was I here, again?”
So instead of just blaming him or waiting for him to change, I got honest with myself in a way I hadn’t been before.
I didn’t just have a husband problem.
I had a pattern. A pattern that kept coming back over and over again throughout my life, wrecking havoc on my relationships.
Once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it. I took radical accountability for needing to clean up my side of the street.
what finally changed
I didn’t fix this by becoming softer overnight.
And I didn’t fix it by focusing on him either.
I had to start looking at how I was showing up.
Where I was over-functioning, over-giving, over-responsible.
Where I was controlling things under the guise of caring.
Where I said I wanted support, but didn’t actually know how to let it in or nitpicked when he tried.
Where I wanted him to lead, but it only felt safe if he did it the way I would.
So I started making small shifts, microshifts.
Not dramatic changes.
Small, real shifts in how I showed up.
My internal dialogue and perceptions.
How I spoke, what I stopped doing, what I allowed.
What I actually gave weight and energy to.
And that’s when everything started to change.
When I shifted.
Why this work matters so deeply.
This is why I do this work. I have a heart for women like you and me.
We are a unique breed and most mainstream relationship support fails us.
It doesn’t take how we are rewired into account.
The women I work with are exceptional.
They’re capable as hell.
They’ve built incredible lives.
But in their relationship…
They’re so damn exhausted from carrying everything.
They’ve finally realized they don’t want to lead all the time anymore.
They don’t want to feel like the one holding it all together.
They want to release responsibility and control.
They want to feel supported. Desired. Met.
But they don’t know how.
And nothing they have tried has worked.
Girl, you are amazing and you don’t need to become a different woman to have what you want in your relationship and life.
Girl, you are amazing and you don’t need to become a different woman to have what you want in your relationship and life.
You don’t need to shrink or dilute yourself.
You don’t need to lose your edge or ambition.
But you do need to stop making control your only source of safety.
You can have a relationship where he steps up, leads, is decisive, shows you more love and devotion.
Where you actually have a life instead of orbiting around someone else’s mood.
That’s the work. The shift.
And if you’re ready for that, I’ll meet you there.
A special type of woman.
The women who come to me are not falling apart. Their whole life isn’t in shambles.
On the outside, a lot of things look amazing.
You have your life together. You handle your career. People rely on you. You’re the one who figures things out, who makes things happen, who keeps things moving.
You know how to succeed.
But you’re confused and so damn frustrated about why your relationship is the way it is when everything else in your life works.
You don’t want to lead all the time anymore.
You don’t want to handle everything and feel like you’re the only one emotionally invested.
You don’t want to keep feeling resentful toward a man you really love.
And you definitely don’t want to keep being this version of yourself that’s constantly correcting, criticizing, or disappointed…
you’re actually really frustrated with her, even if you’ve never said it out loud.
You don’t hate him and you don't want to leave him.
You’re just tired of feeling like you can’t trust one to actually show up the way you want or need.
And underneath all of that, if you’re really real, you don’t just want more help….
You want to be taken care of.
You want to feel cherished and desired.
You want to be able to actually relax in your own life and not have to be the one thinking about everything all the time.
You want to be handled and even contained at times.
That's who I work with.
the difference
I will never tell you to “ just lean back” and pretend you’re soft while you’re internally furious and still managing everything.
And I will never tell you that everything is your husband’s fault either.
Both of those keep you stuck.
What I do actually works.
I’m going to show you where you’re still controlling things or managing him under the guise of caring.
I’m going to show you where you say you want support, but you don’t actually make space for it.
And I’m going to show you how the way you’ve learned to operate… the thing that’s made you successful everywhere else… is the exact thing that’s creating the dynamic you’re frustrated with in your marriage.
I’m not blaming you my love.
I’m empowering you with the truth.
Because once you can see it clearly, you can actually change it.
Then I show you exactly how to shift: the way you show up with him, in your relationships, in the moments that will change the dynamic at the root.
no hype
My clients never expect how quickly things start to shift once they start their Microshifts...
She doesn't suddenly become a different person overnight.
But when she shifts how she was showing up in the relationship.
I hear things like:
“It’s crazy how much shifted just from learning what was actually happening between us.”
"I stopped reminding him. It was hard at first, but he planned four dates for us last month!”
“He is taking me dancing.”
“Out of nowhere, he took the broom out of my hand and started sweeping.”
“We are having the best sex we’ve ever had in 13 years together."
“He got off at 9pm and brought me these flowers.”
“I'm telling all my friends. This is magic, lol.”
if this resonated, you're ready.
Soft Queen™ in the Wild
Come be part of it.